I’m not going to lie to you people, this is going to be difficult. I’m not saying it’s difficult to find stupidity in Transformers 2, believe me there is. What will be difficult to express is that this movie is completely stupid regardless of the fact that it’s about alien robots that turn into cars.

Megatron always ends up laughing first. He sucks at this game!

When we were younger, we grew up believing in this. It filled our minds on the weekends and stayed in our hearts throughout the week. But as time goes on and our minds demand more reason, the experience for most begins to fade. Still you have people out there who will try to apply scientific reasoning, which is just ridiculous. Books and websites are full explanative histories of each event and facet all trying to make sense of something that unfortunately by its very nature is a silly fantasy. But enough about Intelligent Design, let’s talk robots!

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Hello readers!  It feels like we’ve been apart for too long.  But I am planning on rectifying that soon by starting up once more on January 3rd.  I’ll be coming back with what started it all, a review of the newest Twilight movie.  On top of that you can look forward to a regular schedule of posts, and possible guest reviews.  I’ll be regularly posting every Monday.

In the meantime, i’d like to share some fun times i’ve had with Omegle (www.omegle.com).  Omegle randomly connects you to a stranger for chat.  It’s completely anonymous and random and thus populated with all the worlds deviants.

Warning transcripts are regularly offensive so NSFW.

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Quarantine is a zombie flavored shaky cam horror film that apparently exists in a world where no one has ever seen a zombie film. Now I understand that your first conclusion when put into a situation such as this, is to not assume “Oh shit, they’re zombies!” but given a certain number of highly obvious signs, wouldn’t it be safe to treat the situation as such?

I don’t do this often but I highly recommend you all pick up The Zombie Survival Guide. While it isn’t required reading, it basically does a better job than I probably ever could about railing on the stupidity inherent with zombie movies.

But honestly, you don’t even have to be a zombie expert to survive these kinds of situations.   Just do what makes sense.

Old Zombies - Dentures = Worst Hickey Ever!

(Seriously though a grandma with rabies should have just as much biting capacity as a grandma without.  Considering as how mine can’t break the skin of a ripe tomato with her choppers, I’d say the blood gushing effects of these rabies grannies are a bit far reaching. 

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You would figure by now that people know not to attempt to make a movie based on a game, but sure enough wherever there is a quick buck to be had, then it’s time to sell out.  In this case the sellouts name is Andrew Hussie.  I’m sure you’ve probably played some of his other games, like Bard Quest, or Jail Break.  What you may not have known is that he has wrapped up production of a feature length movie entitled Problem Sleuth , and honestly, watching the movie you would have no idea that it was based off the original games.  Do you remember when Street Fighter the Movie tried to include every single character from all the games, only to end up making you not care about any of them?  Problem Sleuth doesn’t even go that far.  The original characters are hardly even cameos.  But it only gets worse from there.

I'm pretty sure the command was talking about firearms. Not actual arms. As in the firearm on your desk.

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Stupidity in the 4th movie of the Fast Furious? No way Moviestupidity!  

Yes way reader.  Yes way.

I was approached by a friend to see the midnight showing of this movie yesterday.  He knew I was not a fan, but asked me to come anyway, so I thought that in itself was a good enough reason to show up.  That and being able to write about it later.  My typing fingers practically itched as the ticket taker ripped the stub.  There I sat with my comrades in a sea of people who would actively want to get the earliest glimpse of this masterpiece.  I believe this would be the first time a theater shut off the air conditioning to a screening on account of the number of wife beaters worn through the crowd.  Upon exiting we waited around, for the parking lot to clear, and watch every single god damn movie goer revving their engines and flying out of the parking lot at breakneck speeds.  They were the fast and the furious!  Even the guys in the dropped Kia Sephia.

But this is movie stupidity so lets talk movie.  And lets not talk about the awesome dialogue, fantastic acting, or my ability to lie to you.  Lets just talk brass tacks bullshit that is Fast and Furious 4.

Vinnie D Breaking it down. Furiously!

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Let me start this off by pointing out that I did not read the book.  Before people tell me I should read the book, or that the movie does not properly reflect the book, I need to point out myself that this is first and foremost a movie.  I’ll be discussing the movie, as if it were independent from any source material, because that is what movies are meant to be.  Seperate from the source material.  

True movies will try to keep as close to the original story as possible, or sometimes they’ll turn your blond middle aged antihero into Keanu fucking Reeves, but the people who make these movies are selling the movies to the mass public.  While you don’t want to alienate the readers, the actual target is anyone that fits a demographic, and likes a genre of film.  

So I’ll be the first to admit that I have not read Eragon, nor can I testify to the books quality.  With regards to the movie Eragon, I’ll paraphrase one of my favorite Critics (Jay Sherman) if was a mixture of Fantasy and Crap.

Eragon is Fantocrap.

Can you find a poutier cast than that of Eragons? Even the fucking dragon's pouty!

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So I may need to rethink this whole moviestupidity thing.

The problem is I’ve kinda dug myself into a hole. Assuming a 50/50 ratio of all movies being either stupid or not, I’ve already cut my options in half (I know 50/50 is unrealistic but there’s no way for me to get at a ratio that is completely opinion based.)

If that weren’t bad enough I feel I have to limit myself further.

For instance I feel with a certain degree of comfort, that any movie released by a Waynes Brother after the early 90’s, will be a horrible piece of stupid shit. But “my thing” seems to be that i’m not arguing against whether I like a movie, but if the actions of events or people make logical sense.

Another limiter is that I feel like I can’t really point out stupidity in movies that are blatently stupid. That rules out anything done in the 80’s, by uwe boll, or tyler perry. Hell it even rules out Comedy as a genre.

Finally, I don’t get out to the movies nearly as often as I’d like, and when I do I’m now in the predicament of do I watch the movie that will most likely be good, or the movie that will contain a certain degree of stupidity. While its true I can always tap movies that are out on DVD, it does erode a bit of my relevance.

So that is where I’m at now. Hunting for ideas of how I can reformat, without going too far away from what I’ve been doing.

I love Hellboy!  I love Hellboy enough to forgive Ron Perlman for doing Stephen King’s Desperation!  I love Hellboy so much it makes me highly interested in Bubba Nosferatu (or it could be that I really liked Bubba Hotep).  But while watching Hellboy 2 I was once again plagued with the nagging questions of stupidity that kept coming up.  Overall I would say that the stupidity doesn’t take away too much from the film itself for me, and while it is still a stretched departure from its dead-tree counterpart, I still can find a special place in my heart for this stupid movie.

Hellboy really hates that fucking grass!

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I’m sorry to do this to you fine readers, but i’m going to have to talk once more about Time Travel.

I was watching something on TV recently, and within the dialogue of the show it was said that the past could not be changed. That the present or future was an inevitable and unavoidable period in which events must take place. Were a person to travel back in time to try and stop John Wilkes Booth before he shot Lincoln, either you would fail in doing so, or even had you succeeded in stopping him, someone or something else would have killed Lincoln.

This same argument about the unavoidable future has not only been a mechanism used in movies that deal with time travel, but has often been the foundation what the movie was trying to say to its audience.  Movies, Series, sitcoms, books all have started to adopt this train of thought from the biggest Blockbusters to the shittiest scifi channel originals.

And oh yes, it’s completely stupid.

Monkey Kombat: Wrath of Kano

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I find it ironic, that a movie regarding magic the written word, has given me the spirit to write only to make fun of how stupid the movie actually was. Don’t let Alanis Morrisette tell you any different.

Inkheart commits a crime that goes beyond your normal stupidity found in a movie. It blatantly disregards a common and obvious question throughout the entirety of the feature, only to use that obvious question as a resolution at its end. Imagine a story of a building burning down, only to have the end resolved by a man who suggests the use of water to put it out.

Still, I’ve got to thank the movie. It has me writing again.

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