I’ve been sitting on Cloverfield for a while now, promising to write a standard movie review on it.  Cloverfield is the story of a small group of people viewed from their perspective as a city is being attacked by a large Godzilla style monster.  I had watched it when it first came out in the movies, but that had been so long ago that I had only vague recollections of it being really stupid.  So I finally got a chance to watch it and to my great surprise I was completely wrong.  Well I shouldn’t say completely wrong, but I was wrong in thinking that it would be a good choice for moviestupidity. So I’ve decided to use it as an example of why I write.

Poor Miss Liberty, you're always picked on by Hollywood. Know that for me, your loves lifting me higher.

(more…)

I’d like to try something different this week.  I was walking along the grocery isles when I saw a book titled ”Eat This, Not That” and thought that the same formula could be used for movies.  I didn’t pick up the book at the time, because I didn’t connect it to movies until later that night when I got home and turned on Netflix.  I caught a movie and realized that its specific storyline had very similar elements and yet was imbued with far less stupidity than its sister.

And so we have a new segment to Movie Stupidity called “Watch This, Not That” or WTNT (What Nut) for short.  So without further ado, I give you: Watch This, Not That 1: Let the Right One In vs. Twilight.

(more…)

Hi Gang! Bebarce here with a new update. I’m instituting Irregular Guest Post Thursdays.  What are Irregular Guest Post Thursdays?  On Thursdays I may or may not post an article that either I or a guest will write.   I can’t guarantee I’ll find a guest, and I can’t guarantee that I’ll post myself, but if I do it’ll happen on Thursday.  So the word is out!  If you think you have what it takes, send me a review!

Today’s post comes from a good friend by the name of Tracy (totally not a chick) aka Metalbourne.    I’m a fan of pretty much every word he writes, even when he isn’t composing articles.  People who know him, knows that he doesn’t pull his punches. That’s why I’m thankful he lives on the complete opposite end of the country, because I don’t think he’d like the chick joke.

So enjoy Tracy’s article on 4th Kind.

(Oh and one last thing, these articles, much like my articles always contain spoilers.)

(more…)

Close your eyes.  Picture a magical and wonderful world where all dreams become reality, and reality becomes reality-er.  Each morning you are greeted with piping hot coffee, fresh strawberry pancakes, and blowjobs.  Each night is filled with the screams of beaten creditors as they’re paraded through the streets.  It truly is a world of delights, and as such, in this world I have been tasked to adapt a classical piece of literature into a movie.

Journey with me, if you will, passed my writing desk and into my mind.  Seriously enough with the pancakes and blow jobs. I don’t have all day.  Are you with me? Excellent.  Recline in the comfy La-Z boy of my mind and hear the pitch.

Roots.  Yes, Alex Haley’s classic Saga of an American Family.  Only the whole story needs a bit of work.  For instance, who’s going to follow a story about a guy named Kunte?  Toby’s nice.  We’ll keep Toby.  Toby is washed ashore on the beaches of America after a savage mutiny aboard the pirate ship of which he was captain.  Now Roots chronicles the generations of a family struggling against oppression and despair in a bid to survive, but fuck that shit, I’m going to focus on the chase scenes.  Toby and his hot ass Latino sidechick Harriet Tubs make their way to the north, escaping a wily Master Lord Calvert with their hilarious antics.  A bunch of stuff happens, there are some explosions, and the movie culminates with Toby snapping John Wilkes Booth’s neck after an intense wire fight.  Sounds terrible, doesn’t it?

Well imagine someone did that to the Three Musketeers, and to top it off put Tim Roth in a very silly hat.

17th Century France was well known for it's Polyurethane fiber mills.

(more…)

I’ll be honest; I was planning on reviewing another movie this week.  I was going to review a movie so stupid, that I’ve been saving it for a time when I needed an easy movie to review.  That was until my wife clued me in on a movie she’d been watching called While She Was Out.  If there were no other reason to love the woman, her support by showing me this movie would be enough to cinch it.

This movie details what happens on your typical trip to the mall on Christmas Eve.  Parking is horrible, the stores are packed, you almost always run into someone you didn’t feel like talking to, and you are attacked by a gang of hoodlums in a crowded parking lot who then shoot a security guard and chase you down as the “sole” witness.  So it’s a pretty typical outing really.  Something they decided to make a movie about.

Hiding behind a bloody scrap of paper would not have been the dumbest thing she's done in the movie.

(more…)

A while ago I started a website. I started it because the stupidity of a movie caught me off guard to such a degree that I had to put it down in words.  I found myself entertained enough to watch the film, but at the same time offended that a movie can be at the same time so flawed, and yet so well accepted.  That movie was Over the Top.  My 2^nd grade teacher informed me that I needed a better hook, and that my spelling was horrible.

Also the website was really just a word document with the words www.fuckingawesomemoviewebsiteanddragonballzfanfic.com at the top.

Also I’m pretty sure we only had a single standalone Apple IIe in the school with no functional word processing and internet.

I am terrible at false memories.

Twenty years later I saw Twilight and decided, hey I should make a stupid blog that no one will read and make fun of it.  Thus Movie Stupidity was born.  Now like a semi-retarded boxer who has been punched one too many times, I come back to the ring and offer you my review of New Moon.

(For those of you offended, by my statements please realize that my grandmother is semi-retarded and we’ve punched her one too many times, so that should justify things.)

For mortal enemies, they sure do love rubbing butts.

(more…)

I’ll have the next article up today, but I took a bit of a distraction and made something for all of you fine folk to enjoy your stupid movies to.  Check it out!

You can print out your own papercraft popcorn box!

Click Here for your very own Paper Craft Popcorn Template!

Frontragous!

Backtastic!

edit: I’ll probably clean this all up a bit and put up some assembly instructions when i’m good and damn well ready!

One of my favorite jokes is actually quite stupid. Basically the joke goes, “A man walks into a bar and says ouch.”
The joke seems special to me because unlike any other attempt at being funny, in the case of this joke, I enjoy it more that people just don’t get it. The blank stare while they wait in anticipation for the joke to climax, only to be followed by confusion at the fact that I’ve already stopped talking. Another very important component to the quality of the joke is that its amazingly short.

That is where The Strangers fails. It’s 85 minutes long and contains less meat than a guy who walks into a bar and says ouch.

I hate when things are promoted as being Inspired by True Events. It’s such a vague term that you might as well say 300 was Inspired by True Events. That includes battle wizards, 12 foot tall persian emperors, and spending a full day to build a wall of dead men for the sole purpose of crushing 1 enemy. Were the actions taken by the characters in The Strangers based on what really happened, then maybe it was less the murderers that did them in, but more a process of natural selection.

Oh look they're caught. Great job showing the end of the movie in a promo poster. Now I can avoid the 95% of the movie that lead up to that point.

(more…)

I’m going to actually live up to my promise and have Posts ready for you fine and currently scant readers the next two Mondays.  In a row no less!

Space.  It’s pretty big.  So big that when we’re on Earth, we seem to not realize how big it is.  We just know it as “up”.  But when you’re out there, floating on your huge revolving (In order to create artificial gravity) ship, you learn just how big space really is.  And that’s when your brain takes a shit.

Space madness is a common theme in sci-fi thrillers.  It happens when you realize that you’re alone in the universe, have your planet crop dusted with anti depressants, journey beyond the end of the universe into hell, or it could stem from the  attraction of a single button.  A beautiful shiny button.  A jolly candy-like button.

Gravity in Action!

In Pandorum it occurs when you’ve been in suspended animation for an overly extended period of time.  For me “Pandorum” set in right around the point I realized that I’d just paid 23 bucks for this piece of shit on Blue Ray.

Obviously not designed by Apple

(more…)