As surprising as it might sound, I only very recently watched Toy Story for the first time. Sufficed to say what I’m about to say is probably 17 years old, but…

So I decided if I’m going to try and get back into writing these reviews, I should probably take it easy for a while, and what movie would be easier to find stupidity in, than Dragonball Evolution.

For those of you not “in the know” Dragonball Evolution is the live action movie, based on the anime series Dragonball.  Now this review is pretty unfair of me.  I mean the cartoon was pretty stupid.  The movie is named Dragonball, and doesn’t refer to some lizards left nut.  It obviously should be terrible, and stupid.  But does it have to be?  I mean, why do we agree with that mentality?  Why do we see something terrible, decide to throw more money at it to temporarily appease the fans, and then shit all over them by making a movie even more terrible than the original series.  If you’re going to take something that is terrible, and turn it into gold, then you should try to avoid all the things that made the original terrible.  You shouldn’t settle for “barely better” or “barely worse” than the original.  If you turn a concept that was awful into something that defines quality, then you have the opportunity of carrying the soul of your viewing audience.  If you need examples of this, look at Grant Morrison’s Animal Man, James Robinson and Tony Harris’s Starman, 3:10 to Yuma, Battlestar Galactica, and Weekend at Bernie’s II.

So let’s shoot some fish in a barrel.  (Who shoots fish in a barrel? That’s terrible.)

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I think we all know the story by now. If you don’t know who batman really is, than you must have been living in Gotham City yourself all these years, and you’re not one of the countless villains, heroes, random citizens, defunct sidekicks, contract workers that were called in to assist in building the mansion and Batcave, or leprechauns that know his true identity and origin.

In the world of comics, reboots are quite common. Batman’s origin has been told and retold countless times over by different artists and writers, but in 2005 a strong effort was made to create a Batman that can exist. I’ve described the sensation in the past as being akin to Intelligent Design. Creating what on the surface appears to be a reasonable explanation to describe fantastic events. In other words, trying to define magic through science. Batman Begins tries to rationalize a realistic world in which Batman exists, while at the same time failing to realize just how truly silly such a feat really is.

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I’ve been sitting on Cloverfield for a while now, promising to write a standard movie review on it.  Cloverfield is the story of a small group of people viewed from their perspective as a city is being attacked by a large Godzilla style monster.  I had watched it when it first came out in the movies, but that had been so long ago that I had only vague recollections of it being really stupid.  So I finally got a chance to watch it and to my great surprise I was completely wrong.  Well I shouldn’t say completely wrong, but I was wrong in thinking that it would be a good choice for moviestupidity. So I’ve decided to use it as an example of why I write.

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I’d like to try something different this week.  I was walking along the grocery isles when I saw a book titled ”Eat This, Not That” and thought that the same formula could be used for movies.  I didn’t pick up the book at the time, because I didn’t connect it to movies until later that night when I got home and turned on Netflix.  I caught a movie and realized that its specific storyline had very similar elements and yet was imbued with far less stupidity than its sister.

And so we have a new segment to Movie Stupidity called “Watch This, Not That” or WTNT (What Nut) for short.  So without further ado, I give you: Watch This, Not That 1: Let the Right One In vs. Twilight.

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Hi Gang! Bebarce here with a new update. I’m instituting Irregular Guest Post Thursdays.  What are Irregular Guest Post Thursdays?  On Thursdays I may or may not post an article that either I or a guest will write.   I can’t guarantee I’ll find a guest, and I can’t guarantee that I’ll post myself, but if I do it’ll happen on Thursday.  So the word is out!  If you think you have what it takes, send me a review!

Today’s post comes from a good friend by the name of Tracy (totally not a chick) aka Metalbourne.    I’m a fan of pretty much every word he writes, even when he isn’t composing articles.  People who know him, knows that he doesn’t pull his punches. That’s why I’m thankful he lives on the complete opposite end of the country, because I don’t think he’d like the chick joke.

So enjoy Tracy’s article on 4th Kind.

(Oh and one last thing, these articles, much like my articles always contain spoilers.)

What about the fifth kind of encounter? Love.

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Close your eyes.  Picture a magical and wonderful world where all dreams become reality, and reality becomes reality-er.  Each morning you are greeted with piping hot coffee, fresh strawberry pancakes, and blowjobs.  Each night is filled with the screams of beaten creditors as they’re paraded through the streets.  It truly is a world of delights, and as such, in this world I have been tasked to adapt a classical piece of literature into a movie.

Journey with me, if you will, passed my writing desk and into my mind.  Seriously enough with the pancakes and blow jobs. I don’t have all day.  Are you with me? Excellent.  Recline in the comfy La-Z boy of my mind and hear the pitch.

Roots.  Yes, Alex Haley’s classic Saga of an American Family.  Only the whole story needs a bit of work.  For instance, who’s going to follow a story about a guy named Kunte?  Toby’s nice.  We’ll keep Toby.  Toby is washed ashore on the beaches of America after a savage mutiny aboard the pirate ship of which he was captain.  Now Roots chronicles the generations of a family struggling against oppression and despair in a bid to survive, but fuck that shit, I’m going to focus on the chase scenes.  Toby and his hot ass Latino sidechick Harriet Tubs make their way to the north, escaping a wily Master Lord Calvert with their hilarious antics.  A bunch of stuff happens, there are some explosions, and the movie culminates with Toby snapping John Wilkes Booth’s neck after an intense wire fight.  Sounds terrible, doesn’t it?

Well imagine someone did that to the Three Musketeers, and to top it off put Tim Roth in a very silly hat.

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I’ll be honest; I was planning on reviewing another movie this week.  I was going to review a movie so stupid, that I’ve been saving it for a time when I needed an easy movie to review.  That was until my wife clued me in on a movie she’d been watching called While She Was Out.  If there were no other reason to love the woman, her support by showing me this movie would be enough to cinch it.

This movie details what happens on your typical trip to the mall on Christmas Eve.  Parking is horrible, the stores are packed, you almost always run into someone you didn’t feel like talking to, and you are attacked by a gang of hoodlums in a crowded parking lot who then shoot a security guard and chase you down as the “sole” witness.  So it’s a pretty typical outing really.  Something they decided to make a movie about.

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A while ago I started a website. I started it because the stupidity of a movie caught me off guard to such a degree that I had to put it down in words.  I found myself entertained enough to watch the film, but at the same time offended that a movie can be at the same time so flawed, and yet so well accepted.  That movie was Over the Top.  My 2^nd grade teacher informed me that I needed a better hook, and that my spelling was horrible.

Also the website was really just a word document with the words www.fuckingawesomemoviewebsiteanddragonballzfanfic.com at the top.

Also I’m pretty sure we only had a single standalone Apple IIe in the school with no functional word processing and internet.

I am terrible at false memories.

Twenty years later I saw Twilight and decided, hey I should make a stupid blog that no one will read and make fun of it.  Thus Movie Stupidity was born.  Now like a semi-retarded boxer who has been punched one too many times, I come back to the ring and offer you my review of New Moon.

(For those of you offended, by my statements please realize that my grandmother is semi-retarded and we’ve punched her one too many times, so that should justify things.)

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I’ll have the next article up today, but I took a bit of a distraction and made something for all of you fine folk to enjoy your stupid movies to.  Check it out!

You can print out your own papercraft popcorn box!

Click Here for your very own Paper Craft Popcorn Template!

edit: I’ll probably clean this all up a bit and put up some assembly instructions when i’m good and damn well ready!

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