Close your eyes.  Picture a magical and wonderful world where all dreams become reality, and reality becomes reality-er.  Each morning you are greeted with piping hot coffee, fresh strawberry pancakes, and blowjobs.  Each night is filled with the screams of beaten creditors as they’re paraded through the streets.  It truly is a world of delights, and as such, in this world I have been tasked to adapt a classical piece of literature into a movie.

Journey with me, if you will, passed my writing desk and into my mind.  Seriously enough with the pancakes and blow jobs. I don’t have all day.  Are you with me? Excellent.  Recline in the comfy La-Z boy of my mind and hear the pitch.

Roots.  Yes, Alex Haley’s classic Saga of an American Family.  Only the whole story needs a bit of work.  For instance, who’s going to follow a story about a guy named Kunte?  Toby’s nice.  We’ll keep Toby.  Toby is washed ashore on the beaches of America after a savage mutiny aboard the pirate ship of which he was captain.  Now Roots chronicles the generations of a family struggling against oppression and despair in a bid to survive, but fuck that shit, I’m going to focus on the chase scenes.  Toby and his hot ass Latino sidechick Harriet Tubs make their way to the north, escaping a wily Master Lord Calvert with their hilarious antics.  A bunch of stuff happens, there are some explosions, and the movie culminates with Toby snapping John Wilkes Booth’s neck after an intense wire fight.  Sounds terrible, doesn’t it?

Well imagine someone did that to the Three Musketeers, and to top it off put Tim Roth in a very silly hat.

17th Century France was well known for it's Polyurethane fiber mills.

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I’ll be honest; I was planning on reviewing another movie this week.  I was going to review a movie so stupid, that I’ve been saving it for a time when I needed an easy movie to review.  That was until my wife clued me in on a movie she’d been watching called While She Was Out.  If there were no other reason to love the woman, her support by showing me this movie would be enough to cinch it.

This movie details what happens on your typical trip to the mall on Christmas Eve.  Parking is horrible, the stores are packed, you almost always run into someone you didn’t feel like talking to, and you are attacked by a gang of hoodlums in a crowded parking lot who then shoot a security guard and chase you down as the “sole” witness.  So it’s a pretty typical outing really.  Something they decided to make a movie about.

Hiding behind a bloody scrap of paper would not have been the dumbest thing she's done in the movie.

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One of my favorite jokes is actually quite stupid. Basically the joke goes, “A man walks into a bar and says ouch.”
The joke seems special to me because unlike any other attempt at being funny, in the case of this joke, I enjoy it more that people just don’t get it. The blank stare while they wait in anticipation for the joke to climax, only to be followed by confusion at the fact that I’ve already stopped talking. Another very important component to the quality of the joke is that its amazingly short.

That is where The Strangers fails. It’s 85 minutes long and contains less meat than a guy who walks into a bar and says ouch.

I hate when things are promoted as being Inspired by True Events. It’s such a vague term that you might as well say 300 was Inspired by True Events. That includes battle wizards, 12 foot tall persian emperors, and spending a full day to build a wall of dead men for the sole purpose of crushing 1 enemy. Were the actions taken by the characters in The Strangers based on what really happened, then maybe it was less the murderers that did them in, but more a process of natural selection.

Oh look they're caught. Great job showing the end of the movie in a promo poster. Now I can avoid the 95% of the movie that lead up to that point.

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I’m not going to lie to you people, this is going to be difficult. I’m not saying it’s difficult to find stupidity in Transformers 2, believe me there is. What will be difficult to express is that this movie is completely stupid regardless of the fact that it’s about alien robots that turn into cars.

Megatron always ends up laughing first. He sucks at this game!

When we were younger, we grew up believing in this. It filled our minds on the weekends and stayed in our hearts throughout the week. But as time goes on and our minds demand more reason, the experience for most begins to fade. Still you have people out there who will try to apply scientific reasoning, which is just ridiculous. Books and websites are full explanative histories of each event and facet all trying to make sense of something that unfortunately by its very nature is a silly fantasy. But enough about Intelligent Design, let’s talk robots!

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Quarantine is a zombie flavored shaky cam horror film that apparently exists in a world where no one has ever seen a zombie film. Now I understand that your first conclusion when put into a situation such as this, is to not assume “Oh shit, they’re zombies!” but given a certain number of highly obvious signs, wouldn’t it be safe to treat the situation as such?

I don’t do this often but I highly recommend you all pick up The Zombie Survival Guide. While it isn’t required reading, it basically does a better job than I probably ever could about railing on the stupidity inherent with zombie movies.

But honestly, you don’t even have to be a zombie expert to survive these kinds of situations.   Just do what makes sense.

Old Zombies - Dentures = Worst Hickey Ever!

(Seriously though a grandma with rabies should have just as much biting capacity as a grandma without.  Considering as how mine can’t break the skin of a ripe tomato with her choppers, I’d say the blood gushing effects of these rabies grannies are a bit far reaching. 

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Let me start this off by pointing out that I did not read the book.  Before people tell me I should read the book, or that the movie does not properly reflect the book, I need to point out myself that this is first and foremost a movie.  I’ll be discussing the movie, as if it were independent from any source material, because that is what movies are meant to be.  Seperate from the source material.  

True movies will try to keep as close to the original story as possible, or sometimes they’ll turn your blond middle aged antihero into Keanu fucking Reeves, but the people who make these movies are selling the movies to the mass public.  While you don’t want to alienate the readers, the actual target is anyone that fits a demographic, and likes a genre of film.  

So I’ll be the first to admit that I have not read Eragon, nor can I testify to the books quality.  With regards to the movie Eragon, I’ll paraphrase one of my favorite Critics (Jay Sherman) if was a mixture of Fantasy and Crap.

Eragon is Fantocrap.

Can you find a poutier cast than that of Eragons? Even the fucking dragon's pouty!

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I love Hellboy!  I love Hellboy enough to forgive Ron Perlman for doing Stephen King’s Desperation!  I love Hellboy so much it makes me highly interested in Bubba Nosferatu (or it could be that I really liked Bubba Hotep).  But while watching Hellboy 2 I was once again plagued with the nagging questions of stupidity that kept coming up.  Overall I would say that the stupidity doesn’t take away too much from the film itself for me, and while it is still a stretched departure from its dead-tree counterpart, I still can find a special place in my heart for this stupid movie.

Hellboy really hates that fucking grass!

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I’m sorry to do this to you fine readers, but i’m going to have to talk once more about Time Travel.

I was watching something on TV recently, and within the dialogue of the show it was said that the past could not be changed. That the present or future was an inevitable and unavoidable period in which events must take place. Were a person to travel back in time to try and stop John Wilkes Booth before he shot Lincoln, either you would fail in doing so, or even had you succeeded in stopping him, someone or something else would have killed Lincoln.

This same argument about the unavoidable future has not only been a mechanism used in movies that deal with time travel, but has often been the foundation what the movie was trying to say to its audience.  Movies, Series, sitcoms, books all have started to adopt this train of thought from the biggest Blockbusters to the shittiest scifi channel originals.

And oh yes, it’s completely stupid.

Monkey Kombat: Wrath of Kano

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Pretty soon, M. Night Shyamalan’s movies will no longer be a candidate for me to talk about on Movie Stupidity.   There is a certain genre of film that (probably knowingly) contains a high level of stupidity, and that becomes the expectations of the movies themselves.  You don’t watch “Cabin Fever” thinking you’re going to get an intense psychological drama.  You’re expecting campy gore, with horrible dialogue, and scenes so ridiculous that the stupidity has to be purposeful.

Shyamalan’s work is pretty much at that point.  You can  assume that when you go to his movie, there is going to be a high degree of stupidity to face.   Unless he comes out with something new, I’m only going to discuss three movies of his.  The very foundation of Signs, Unbreakable, and The Happening, could each be shattered by a simple questions from the start of the movie.

Stupid.

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Horror movies are on average a wealth of stupidity.  Finding a horror movie in which the actions of the actors placed in situations of fear and danger, where they aren’t acting like complete morons is a truely rare thing.  The expectation of this however, has gotten to the point where it is just understood and expected before entering the theatre.  You enjoy the movie while watching it, and just go on your merry way.  The truely scarey movies, the ones that actually have a possibility of exciting that part of your imagination. The ones that cause you decide that it’d be a better idea to wait until morning before throwing out the garbage.  Those movies are the ones in which you realize nothing that the character could have done would have changed his fate.  Ones that strive to have less stupidity.  The ruins was not one of those movies.  This was just purely dumb.

The Ruins actually doesn't describe the local, but the actor's performances in the film.

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