Stupidity in the 4th movie of the Fast Furious? No way Moviestupidity!  

Yes way reader.  Yes way.

I was approached by a friend to see the midnight showing of this movie yesterday.  He knew I was not a fan, but asked me to come anyway, so I thought that in itself was a good enough reason to show up.  That and being able to write about it later.  My typing fingers practically itched as the ticket taker ripped the stub.  There I sat with my comrades in a sea of people who would actively want to get the earliest glimpse of this masterpiece.  I believe this would be the first time a theater shut off the air conditioning to a screening on account of the number of wife beaters worn through the crowd.  Upon exiting we waited around, for the parking lot to clear, and watch every single god damn movie goer revving their engines and flying out of the parking lot at breakneck speeds.  They were the fast and the furious!  Even the guys in the dropped Kia Sephia.

But this is movie stupidity so lets talk movie.  And lets not talk about the awesome dialogue, fantastic acting, or my ability to lie to you.  Lets just talk brass tacks bullshit that is Fast and Furious 4.

Vinnie D Breaking it down. Furiously!

Brian O’Conner (Paul Walker) is a federal agent with a penchant for fast cars, living on the edge, and responding to awful questions with as trite a response as possible.

“Do you ever think, maybe you’re not a good guy pretending to be bad, but a bad guy, pretending to be good?”

“All the time.”

Why am I the only one in the theater laughing?

He’s trying to stop a large drug dealer who’s smuggling heroin into America through the use of street racers.

Dominic Toretto (Vin Diesel) is an outlaw speedster who decided to forego the millions he could have made in Nascar with the skills that this movie claims, and instead decides to steal oil tankers in the Dominican Republic.  Paired up with his girlfriend, 2 Spanish guys, a Spanish chick, and some Asian guy (who judging by the Woooooos from the theater goers was in prior iterations of the movie).  There you go, way to keep a low profile, team up with the only Asian guy living in the Dominican Republic.  Dominic takes the very difficult task of driving in front of the truck really slowly while his less talented friend drive within an exact distant at a constant speed with enough precision to make a small loop latch onto a hook.  That’s just slacking Dom.  This is the guy who is able to apparently perfectly time, the speed and velocity necessary to shoot his vehicle through the tiny window of space found beneath a fiery rolling oil tanker.  You know what, fuck Nascar, why weren’t you with NASA?  Or am I spoiling the plot for Fast and the Furious 5: Spaciest Race?  A prequel where Dominic Toretto must race the communists to win a qualifying position to go into orbit.

Dominic realizes the only thing he can do to save his girlfriend from being arrested, aside from not fucking robbing people, is to leave her with a wad of cash.  Later on though he discovers his girlfriend has been murdered by vehicle, in a scene so ridiculous that it makes CSI’s David Caruso look like he’s fucking delivering passages from Macbeth.   With a simple burn mark on the street floor he is completely able to recreate the scene of the murder better than Willem Dafoe could in Boondock Saints, or dare I say even Marissa Tomei of My Cousin Vinny.  

So it turns out that she was killed running drugs for a guy named Braga, the same guy Brian is hunting.  In order to get closer to Braga the two protagonists enter a race to win a position muling drugs for him across the border.  I guess the job pays better than just stuffing it up your bum, like most drug mules do.  Propelled by revenge and ambition, both the cop and crook are able to get a position as mules.

This is the point in the movie, where every shred of making sense disappears.  Apparently it is very difficult to get into America from Mexico undetected.  Who knew?  I guess that means those 5 guys I worked with that summer as a landscaper were in actuality world class performance racers.  It is so difficult that one must travel across the border at breakneck speeds through a secret mineshaft that connects America to Mexico.

Let me repeat this.  They traveled from America to Mexico, in a secret mineshaft that connects America to Mexico.  A mineshaft that apparently doesn’t ever go down into the ground, but runs horizontally under a mountain.

Than, this obviously wealthy and well to do business man drug czar decides that the best option he has after successfully smuggling in a large quantity of narcotics, is to kill the amazingly talented drivers that delivered the goods.    This appears to happen on a REGULAR BASIS?  To what end sir?  Can you imagine a business scenario where it make sense to continually kill off your top performing executives?  And don’t try to say fucking  ”secrecy”, because who then kills the guys who killed the drivers?  How does one attain a nonlethal position at Braga LLC?  

So long story short, the two protagonists escape, they get into another scuffle with Braga only to have him escape, and then choose to follow him back to Mexico to exact justice.

In a small church in some spec of a village, both Dominic and Brian have Braga at gunpoint.  This is the point in which Dominic decides that the man who orchestrated the execution of his love, deserves the right to a fair legal court ruling.  We won’t be shooting you today Braga, you’re coming with us for justice!  Why is it that these heroes never have a problem fucking killing or exploding 800 guys, but when it comes to the one guy who really really fucked you over, it’s that guy that “doesn’t deserve the easy way out, of being shot in the face.”  I’m sorry but a heavily connected Drug Czar going to jail is not so fucking hard on him.  

So a chase ensues.  It has to right, I mean you can’t end F&F without a car chase?  So Brian and Dom are driving as fast as they possibly can, and what appears to be multiples of minutes later the rest of the gang is informed.  You actually witness Brian and Dominics lone cars immediately become swarmed by other vehicles, because apparently at 20 minute head start in high performance vehicles, is not enough time to get somewhere without your pursuers being able to not only catch up, but end up in front of you.  The chase leads back through the original tunnel, which Brian apparently neglected to inform the proper authorities of when completing his assignment.  

Fenix Rise (a dungeons and dragons name if I ever heard one) Braga’s number two and Vin Diesel woman assassinator, slams into one of the pursuing cars and informs the rest of the gang to Stop shooting at the cars since Braga is a passenger of one.  At first glance this might seem like an intelligent action, but lets dissect this.  A man with a walkie talkie, decides to slam into his friends car, AND THEN tell everyone to stop shooting.  What a dick move.  Couldn’t you have just made the call without smashing your friends car?  That’s like slamming your fist through a car window to retrieve the keys to the unlocked car.

But no, lets not shoot at the boss, lets instead repeatedly slam into his vehicle, as he tries to make his way through a nightmare mineshaft, with toothpick support columns.  Because that is safer.

Finally, the last scene of the movie, has it’s own bit of stupidity.  Upon the incarceration and sentencing of we cut to credits with a scene of Dominic’s prison bus being surrounded by fast moving muscle cars, headed by none other than a not so cleanly shaven Brian O’Conner.  Take that roll reversal, the criminal has accepted the law, while the lawman has become a criminal!  The movie fails to point out that in order to save Dominic, Brian must also let a bus load of dangerous felons escape as well.  I’m looking at you mister repeat rape offender.

2 Comments »

1. As sad as it is to be the first and only commenter on an article I wrote, I would like to point out that I just found out that Vin Diesel was a huge fan of D&D.

   http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JQUEQOyIvfk&feature=related

   It’s now become much harder to not like him.

   Comment by Bebarce — April 19, 2009 @ 6:20 pm

2. Vin Diesel is not such a horrible actor, he just seems to choose mostly stupid movies to act in/produce.

   Comment by Martin — May 8, 2009 @ 3:49 am

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