Horror movies are on average a wealth of stupidity.  Finding a horror movie in which the actions of the actors placed in situations of fear and danger, where they aren’t acting like complete morons is a truely rare thing.  The expectation of this however, has gotten to the point where it is just understood and expected before entering the theatre.  You enjoy the movie while watching it, and just go on your merry way.  The truely scarey movies, the ones that actually have a possibility of exciting that part of your imagination. The ones that cause you decide that it’d be a better idea to wait until morning before throwing out the garbage.  Those movies are the ones in which you realize nothing that the character could have done would have changed his fate.  Ones that strive to have less stupidity.  The ruins was not one of those movies.  This was just purely dumb.

The Ruins actually doesn't describe the local, but the actor's performances in the film.

This is basically one of those movies where, a bunch of people go somewhere secluded and it turns out a bunch of things are trying to kill them, and then falls into repeated attempts at escape for the remainder of the movie. Before I get into how burdened this movie is with stupidity, I will admit to something. This movie creeps me out for one reason only.

I have an irrational fear of things going into or under my skin. That means I get genuinely concerned about things like splinters, broken glass, metal slivers (I used to work as a locksmith so they were everywhere), ticks, certain fibrous materials, needles (I’m okay with medical needles though), etc…
Something like an ingrown hair drives me absolutely crazy. So believe me when I say this movie painted my fears out on the screen in a very unique way. Most would not find this movie at all creepy if not having this fear.

You’ll also notice that I curse a bit more in this article.  I apoligize for that, but I found myself spending not only money, but those few precious minutes I get in a day to relax, only to have this movies poor quality shit on my own personal “Me time”.

And now for the stupidity.

Okay so there is this temple covered in an evil blood sucking intelligent plant. One touch is enough to infect.
A Mayan village has taken it upon themselves to safeguard this temple to make sure no one who touches it leaves.

But here’s the catch. Apparently the Mayans are a bunch of  dicks. Because instead of getting all pissed off when people touch the temple, and shooting them, they could have just built a fucking fence.

Good job assholes.

Seriously put up a big  fence that says “Danger the plants are  evil and will kill you and if you touch them, then we will kill you.” Draw diagrams! But no, they show up with guns and arrows and just kill the  unlucky bastards who approach.

But no they don’t just kill them. They surround the  temple and making sure the people don’t leave. Real nice you jerks. Hey I know they’re going to die horrible deaths but you know what? Instead of mercy killing them right now, we’ll let them find out for themselves and let them get tortured and eaten by a fucking plant. Oh and it was also nice of the kids to just stare at them all creepy like, rather then warn them not to get  eaten by a pyramid.

But they can’t speak Spanish you say? How do they go about buying fucking clothes if an entire fucking population can’t speak the language of the country they were born and raised in for the past multiple many centuries? Is it stupidity? Laziness? … No it must be stupidity. Because lazy is not wanting to build a fence. Stupid is choosing to camp out for 6 days until unlucky trespassers off themselves just because you don’t want to build a fence.

But maybe this group at least fucking deserves it.

When a taxi guy tells you “No Senor, this place is very bad.” Than maybe you shouldn’t fucking day trip there. Sorry Munich guy…this is where we bid you ado. But no, for 40 bucks the cabbie is fully willing to  let them all die without even a “Hey by the way the natives will fucking kill you for touching their temple. They will fucking kill you.”

And here’s another thing. If you see a bunch of angry Mayans as you approach their temple holding knives and guns and shit. Word of advice. Don’t slowly back up towards the temple that they seem so angry about you approaching. 

One of the lead actors is a doctor, but obviously not a very good one as it  takes 3 days to realize they’re quarantining them, and all it took me was the first 5 seconds after the mayans shot their  friend in the head.

Honestly, the one guy who was stabbed by his girlfriend deserved to get stabbed in the chest. When you approach a psycho who is cutting a chunk out of her own thigh, and who just 3 seconds prior slashed the last guy to come close to her, than you deserve to get stabbed in the Ironic bull’s-eye shirt you’re wearing.  I’m sure no one saw that one coming.

Also, what kind of  map maker  drew the temple on the map while not mentioning some important notations such as it having killer plants or angry Mayans.

Lets face it, the group deserves to die.  When some random stranger comes up to you while in Mexico and says
“Hey my brother went into the heart of the jungle and has not reported back when he was supposed to. You guys up for some site seeing?

You don’t respond with a hearty “SURE!!!!”  And if you do, than you deserve to have your face eaten by a plant.

2 Comments »

1. Perfect summary. I’m speechless.

   Comment by Euphorbus — December 30, 2008 @ 9:38 am

2. That was hilarious. You’re a funny one. But the book was actually really good.

   Comment by Charlie — March 13, 2010 @ 9:19 pm

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