Close your eyes.  Picture a magical and wonderful world where all dreams become reality, and reality becomes reality-er.  Each morning you are greeted with piping hot coffee, fresh strawberry pancakes, and blowjobs.  Each night is filled with the screams of beaten creditors as they’re paraded through the streets.  It truly is a world of delights, and as such, in this world I have been tasked to adapt a classical piece of literature into a movie.

Journey with me, if you will, passed my writing desk and into my mind.  Seriously enough with the pancakes and blow jobs. I don’t have all day.  Are you with me? Excellent.  Recline in the comfy La-Z boy of my mind and hear the pitch.

Roots.  Yes, Alex Haley’s classic Saga of an American Family.  Only the whole story needs a bit of work.  For instance, who’s going to follow a story about a guy named Kunte?  Toby’s nice.  We’ll keep Toby.  Toby is washed ashore on the beaches of America after a savage mutiny aboard the pirate ship of which he was captain.  Now Roots chronicles the generations of a family struggling against oppression and despair in a bid to survive, but fuck that shit, I’m going to focus on the chase scenes.  Toby and his hot ass Latino sidechick Harriet Tubs make their way to the north, escaping a wily Master Lord Calvert with their hilarious antics.  A bunch of stuff happens, there are some explosions, and the movie culminates with Toby snapping John Wilkes Booth’s neck after an intense wire fight.  Sounds terrible, doesn’t it?

Well imagine someone did that to the Three Musketeers, and to top it off put Tim Roth in a very silly hat.

17th Century France was well known for it's Polyurethane fiber mills.

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I’ll be honest; I was planning on reviewing another movie this week.  I was going to review a movie so stupid, that I’ve been saving it for a time when I needed an easy movie to review.  That was until my wife clued me in on a movie she’d been watching called While She Was Out.  If there were no other reason to love the woman, her support by showing me this movie would be enough to cinch it.

This movie details what happens on your typical trip to the mall on Christmas Eve.  Parking is horrible, the stores are packed, you almost always run into someone you didn’t feel like talking to, and you are attacked by a gang of hoodlums in a crowded parking lot who then shoot a security guard and chase you down as the “sole” witness.  So it’s a pretty typical outing really.  Something they decided to make a movie about.

Hiding behind a bloody scrap of paper would not have been the dumbest thing she's done in the movie.

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Hello readers!  It feels like we’ve been apart for too long.  But I am planning on rectifying that soon by starting up once more on January 3rd.  I’ll be coming back with what started it all, a review of the newest Twilight movie.  On top of that you can look forward to a regular schedule of posts, and possible guest reviews.  I’ll be regularly posting every Monday.

In the meantime, i’d like to share some fun times i’ve had with Omegle (www.omegle.com).  Omegle randomly connects you to a stranger for chat.  It’s completely anonymous and random and thus populated with all the worlds deviants.

Warning transcripts are regularly offensive so NSFW.

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